Friday, August 26, 2005

They Poisoned Me

I’m not a medical expert. Sure, I have one of those Ph.D.s and you can call me Doctor. But I wouldn't know a renal gland from a Caeserean section. Still, I know how to navigate WebMD. And I’m pretty sure the bastards food-poisoned me.

Who are these bastards? Well, to avoid legal ramifications, I’ll just say that I will never again eat at a certain fast food chain that shares its name with an underground urban transportation system. I shouldn’t have eaten there anyway but it was just too hot to walk anywhere else during yesterday’s lunch hour. It's my deepest regret.

Thus, the hours between 8:00 and 11:00 last night were the most physically painful hours I’ve ever spent, at least since the Chicago hotel incident of ’95. What did they put in that tuna, I ask?
Okay, okay, I don’t want to make you queasy. I feel so much better now. I didn’t even call in sick. No, I braved the drive back to the city that poisoned me. I’m saving my sick days for the revolution. Or maybe the apocalypse. Or perhaps just a cool gray day in October.


Jason B. said...

bummer about the tuna sandwich. i'm sorry.

also, i don't know if we're going to second city tonight. monica's been working quite a lot.

linglo said...


So sorry. Terrible pain for you. You did a good job keeping most of it in the bucket. I wish I could have helped you more better, poor thing you.

Love, Linglo

Ali said...

Rabbi - You should try to go the show. It'll be fun. And funny.

Linglo - I'm not your husband. I'm somebody else's husbad. You know nothing about any bucket.

Margaret O'Leary - Subway Corporation said...

Dear sir,

Subway Corporation would like to apologize for your recent illness and would like to compensate you for any inconveience by offering you a free 6 foot party sub. Your party sub choices include tuna salad, crab salad, and our new fiesta shrimp salad, all of which include chips and our home-baked cookies. Please call to redeem your party sub. Offer expires August 25th, 2006.

Sincerely, Margaret O'Leary
Human Resources
Subway Corporation
Studio City, CA
818 555 3643