Open Letters

To co-worker guy on a floor that's lower than mine:
It's one thing to withhold information to make your job seem more vital. But dude, you're union! You're not going anywhere. Give me the data! I need it. Sure, I can go back to step one and get it myself. But to quote the woman who fired me from my last job, why invent the wheel? Remember - your office has a view and mine doesn't. This means you make more money. Earn it.

To a subset of the population of bicycle riders:
Why is that when any adult male - and there are no exceptions to this - puts on one of those professional-cyclist-looking lycra bicycle outfits, he turns into a complete (and sweaty) asshole? No, Guy I Saw This Morning, it's not okay for your sweat to seep through your logowear and onto the counter where they keep the half-and-half.

To the writers of a long-running HBO series:
A little levity wouldn't hurt. At least the mopefests of seasons past were instilled with humor and humility. This year, the show is more painful than life itself. It's getting ugly.

To Minnesota Timberwolves management:
Don't sign Marko Jaric. He'll only disappoint. Sign Earl Watson. He's gritty and we need a healthy point guard. And don't forget about Mad Dog. You don't want him going to Utah. Sign him. He's Mad Dog!