And here's Part 2. Be sure to check out Part 1. It's both entertaining and disturbing.
SYRACUSE REGION
1. North Carolina vs. 16. Oakland
The mere sight of Carolina blue on a basketball court triggers a sub-cortical reaction of resentment and a desire to see the Tar Heels go down in a swirly ring of liquid fire. But they’ll win this game over Oakland of Michigan, a spry team with a losing record. My pick: North Carolina.
8. Minnesota vs. 9. Iowa State
I remember the day like it was yesterday. But it was pretty much exactly 20 years ago. March 1985. My first day at the University of Minnesota. Not my first day of college, mind you. No, that’s a story for another time – i.e., whenever Penn State makes the tournament. Anyway, there I was. In a gloomy chalky rotunda-like classroom in Murphy Hall, home of the university’s vaunted School of Journalism, writing notes vigorously in a thick spiral light-blue Mead notebook. Speaking of spirals, my GPA spiraled down to sub-School of Journalism levels, sending me into the abyss of the introspective psychology major, leading to my altogether accidental Ph.D. But what does that have to do with basketball, or with the gritty Gophers? Not much.
In 1985, there had been a big sexual assault scandal with the Gophers. Many players left the team, resulting in a legendary six-man roster for much of the 1985-86 season. It would have been a wonderful story if they were a good team, if they had made the tournament. But they were bad. Really bad. But I became a better student. And I met a girl on the bus to campus. And we went places, we did. And then she joined the sorority system. And we went our separate ways. I graduated and found myself in Brea, California, where the fruit trees are trimmed to sculpted precision.
But I’m moving too fast. You want to know more about my dewy-eyed undergrad days at the College on the River. Pull up a chair. There were the days, the numberless days, when I ate at that oniony sandwich shop in Dinkytown because I had a crush on the curly-haired girl from New York who worked there (this was before the bus stop girlfriend). And the day Chris Iverson, Annie White, and I went to campus early one day to beat the lines at the bookstore, and on that same day for reasons that go beyond the scope of this blog, I swallowed toothpaste. There was the infamous 21-credit quarter in spring ’86. And I can’t forget my wholesome obsession with jangly pop songs. When I think of the Washington Avenue bridge I hear the opening strums of Zeitgeist’s “Freight Train Rain.” And then there was the time I ran into Prince on 4th Street and he asked me….
No, I’m boring you with my tales of nostalgia. So I went to college there. Big deal. I graduated. And nine years later, I found myself there again. Yes, I left Southern California for the Upper Midwest. I returned to the University of Minnesota. My second run there lasted twice as long as the first. And now you can call me Doctor. And there will be no rosy-eyed recollection of the 1996 to 2002 years because I have more tournament picks to get to. There will be no mention of girl at the copy shop on whom I had a sweet and verdant crush and where I made ridiculously large amounts of copies for a crazy professor for whom I worked as a T.A. I still have the answering machine tape, when the professor called me “the lowest-performing T.A. ever.” Well, I got my degree and you didn’t get tenure, Dr. E. I will not tell you about the hundreds of hours spent at the lovely well-lit Espresso Royale café in Dinkytown, by far the best writing and reading environment I’ve known. And the woman who worked there who kept trying to sell customers cheese – chunks of rich Havarti – whenever anyone ordered the mini-sourdough baguette. No, you won’t know about her. Nor will you find out about my turtle-slow dissertation process. Or the statue in front of Burton Hall that inspired my first-ever-accepted-for-publication short story.
I did get the cheese once. It was the best cheese I’ve ever had.
Back to basketball. During my time in grad school, the Gophers reached the Final Four. They lost to Kentucky in the semis but it was an exciting energizing time to be on campus. The excitement and energy were dissipated somewhat two years later by a far-reaching academic scandal. A lot went down. Tutors wrote papers for players. Coaches were fired. Players transferred. The basketball program fell apart. Their best recruit in years, Joel Pryzbilla, left after one year. I saw him at the Mall of America once. He didn’t look 6’11”. He’s a Portland Trail Blazer now. And he’s better than you think. So this year the team is making their first tournament appearance in five years. They’ll win this game. My pick: Minnesota.
Round 2: North Carolina vs. Minnesota. In a prediction not clouded by bias of any sort, I pick Minnesota.
4. Florida vs. 13. Ohio
The Star of my Entering Grad School Class of 1996 at the University of Minnesota was a tall attractive always-well-dressed woman named… well, no names here. She zipped through the program like a comet and now teaches at the University of Florida. Or maybe she teaches at Florida State, I don’t know. The Black Sheep of my Entering Class of 1996 was a tall attractive dowdy-dressed woman who read Abe Lincoln biographies. She was from Ohio, a fact she’d remind you of at every possible opportunity. Star beats Black Sheep. My pick: Florida.
5. Villanova vs. 12. New Mexico
During that spring of 1985 when I first found myself in a University of Minnesota classroom, Villanova won the NCAA championship. I was happy because I used to live near Philadelphia, where Villanova is located. I bought a Villanova T-shirt. I wore it proudly. Maybe this is why the girl at the sandwich shop grew weary of me. My pick: New Mexico.
Round 2: Florida vs. New Mexico. Florida will win because they play basketball better.
3. Kansas vs. 14. Bucknell
Rebecca, this one is for you: Along with North Carolina, I’ve felt a special hatred for the University of Kansas. I didn’t like the way Roy Williams poached players from California with cash rewards and promises of co-ed sex parties. It just wasn’t an even playing field. But now that old Roy coaches at North Carolina, it’s safe to root for the gritty Jayhawks. Even if it’s a little unusual that Wayne Simien has been playing college ball for 12 years. So, Rebecca, I say to you and everyone else in your lovely state of rolling hills, Go Jayhawks! My pick: Bucknell.
6. Wisconsin vs. 11. Northern Iowa
Don’t get me started on the state of Wisconsin. I said DON’T get me started on Wisconsin. My pick: Wisconsin.
Round 2: Bucknell vs. Wisconsin. Wisconsin will win. Have you ever spent a weekend in Sheboygan? Not an afternoon. Not a day. An entire weekend. I have. It’s not so bad.
2. Connecticut vs. 15. Central Florida
Why all the hate, Fahmy? Yesterday, derision was directed toward coaches Pitino and Knight. Today, it’s North Carolina and Kansas. Don’t you feel love? Or at least appreciation? Yes, I do. I appreciate and respect the work Jim Calhoun does at the University of Connecticut (I refuse to call them UConn). Exciting teams, good players, championships. And my favorite college basketball player ever, the man who brought the Huskies the 1999 championship, my Minneapolis homeboy: Khalid El-Amin. My pick: Connecticut.
7. Charlotte vs. 10. North Carolina State
Did I just say "homeboy"? In 2005? My pick: Charlotte.
Round 2: Connecticut vs. Charlotte. Connecticut wins. Though I didn't like being there that one night in May '96.
AUSTIN REGION
1. Duke vs. 16. Delaware State
My second favorite basketball player ever is Christian Laettner from Duke. I know this will lead to derisive chuckles from some of you and quizzical raised eyebrows from the rest of you. Yes, he’s known as the guy who only made the ’92 Dream Team because they needed a white college player on the team. But he was a Timberwolf. And he made that amazing shot that beat Kentucky. And he’s actually been a pretty okay NBA player. And he had that goth girlfriend back when he was a rookie with the Wolves. My pick: Duke.
8. Stanford vs. 9. Mississippi State
I drove through Palo Alto once. My pick: Stanford.
Round 2: Duke vs. Stanford. Here’s a little West Coast bias: Stanford wins.
4. Syracuse vs. 13. Vermont
I could go off on a basketball tangent here and explain why Syracuse, a team with two tournament-savvy seniors, will win. Or I could point out that 4 is a lower number (and a higher seed) than 13. My pick: Syracuse.
5. Michigan State vs. 12. Old Dominion
Here’s a story about two Michigan State alumni, told in list form:
-MSU student #1 meets MSU student #2 in a classroom.
-They get married.
-They move to Florida, where MSU student #2 is a small market public radio host.
-They move to Minnesota, where MSU student #2 is a medium market public radio host.
-MSU student #2 decides he likes boys more than girls. Divorces MSU student #1.
-MSU student #1 meets the writer of this blog and they go see a John Cusack movie.
-MSU student #1 can’t decide if she wants to date the writer of this blog or a guy who looks like late-period Eric Stoltz.
-In an upset, she picks Eric Stoltz, only to leave him for a guy who looks like late-period Ed Begley Jr.
-At blog writer’s wedding reception, MSU student #1 makes an inspirational toast on a microphone to 150 people, concluding with “And it could have been me.”
-MSU student #2 moves to California where he’s a public radio reporter in blog writer’s hometown. I just heard him this morning. Good work on the unsafe hospital story, J.
-MSU student #1 moves back to Michigan, where she marries Begley in a civil ceremony. I wish them well and no, I’m not completely sure it could have been you, Cynthia.
My pick: Michigan State
Round 2: Syracuse vs. Michigan State. In an upset, Michigan State.
3. Oklahoma vs. 14. Niagara
I've been to Niagara Falls. And Joyce Carol Oates is from around there. Is she any relation to John? Oklahoma wins.
6. Utah vs. 11. UTEP
I had relatives who lived in El Paso back in the seventies. I dated a Mormon in the nineties. My pick: Utah.
Round 2: Oklahoma vs. Utah. Utah. She tithed. It was cute.
2. Kentucky vs. 15. Eastern Kentucky
Gotta go with coach Tubby. My pick: Kentucky.
7. Cincinnati vs. 10. Iowa
Cincinnati always loses in Round 1. Not this year. My pick: Cincinnati.
Round 2: Kentucky vs. Cincinnati. Tubby’s nickname is kind of ironic. You see, he’s skinny. He’s a slight man who wears finely tailored suits. They call him Tubby. My pick: Kentucky.
To review, here’s my Sweet 16: In a HUGE change of format, winners proceeding to the Final 8 are indicated by CAPS:
CHICAGO REGIONAL:
ILLINOIS vs. Boston College
Arizona vs. SOUTHERN ILLINOIS
ALBUQUERQUE REGIONAL:
WASHINGTON vs. Georgia Tech
UCLA vs. Oklahoma State (UCLA HAS to win. They’re already in CAPS)
SYRACUSE REGIONAL:
MINNESOTA vs. Florida
Wisconsin vs. CONNECTICUT
AUSTIN REGIONAL:
Stanford vs. MICHIGAN STATE
Utah vs. KENTUCKY
And then Illinois will beat Southern Illinois in a game taking place in Northern Illinois. UCLA will easily handle Washington in a match-up befitting my shameless pumping up of the Pac 10. Connecticut will destroy my alma mater because that’s what will happen. And Kentucky will easily handle the Spartans, sending a particular pension expert into a temporary funk.
In my Final Four, UCLA will upset Illinois. Kentucky will beat Connecticut in triple overtime. And UCLA will win it al, because like I said yesterday, I’ve got a feeling about these plucky Los Angeles kids.
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